Why in the world would I want to make my stomach so small? Why would I postpone having kids even more? Why can I just be happy with the body I’ve been given? Why can’t I just diet and exercise?

I’ve been asked these questions, and I’ve asked them of myself. I’ve mulled over the options for years and do you know where it’s gotten me? Nowhere. I haven’t been able to get pregnant. I haven’t been able to successfully lose enough weight to bring my BMI to a healthy place. I haven’t been fully at peace with the way that I look and feel.

About eight years ago, I had a lap band placed. Basically a little inner tube was placed around the top of my stomach to help me eat less and prevent hunger. I lost around 75lbs. It. was. AWESOME. I could shop in any store and had a ton of energy. Win, win, right?

Wrong. Unfortunately, after the first year, there were endless complications. I needed revision surgery. My spleen was nicked. I needed a blood transfusion. Then about two and a half years of severe acid reflux followed. I might have been thin, but I felt awful. I couldn’t even keep a smoothie down and was sleeping around 2-3 hours each night. Even with all of that stuff going on, I was reluctant to do anything about it. I mean, doesn’t thin = healthy?

The opening to my stomach was too small. There was scar tissue under my band and I had to have it removed. In the world’s worst timing, this happened right after I ordered my wedding dress. I spent the next six months getting in over 10,000 steps every day, going to the gym, eating super healthily. My then fiancé, now husband, lost 75lbs. I stayed the same weight. I was so proud of him for his hard work. But I’d be lying if I told you I wasn’t jealous of his success.

After we were married, I tried just being okay with myself. I didn’t diet for any substantial amount of time. I gave up. What was the point in trying? I knew nothing was going to work. Everything except for my weight was fine. Sure, I thought about having revision surgery. I even went for a consultation a couple of years ago with another surgeon. He told me that he wouldn’t feel comfortable operating on me. After that I never really pursued sleeve surgery. Chubby Meg wins again.

Then in August, I saw an endocrinologist and we spoke at length about my fertility and what a healthy pregnancy might look like. Guess what came up again? Ding ding! Paying a visit to the surgeon who removed my band, Dr. Marina Kurian.

So, why now? Well, I trust Dr. Kurian with my life. Literally. She is brilliant and extremely accomplished. She answered all of my questions, even the ridiculous ones. (Guys, I made a google doc.) We talked about babies and how being at a lower weight would also mean giving my future children the gift of a healthy start in life.

Am I sure that this is going to work? No. I think I might still be in denial that it’s all happening. But I have to hope.

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